Ancient Athens cracks me up

My first paper attempt of this quarter is for my Ancient Greek art class about the Panathenaic games, which was Athens’ version of the Olympics. I find this whole period a little frustrating since everything is based on old pieces of marble that we don’t actually know anything about. My professor told us that in the basement of the National Museum of Athens there’s a pile of miscellaneous, marble body parts. So, PhD candidates spend years of their lives rummaging around trying to find a finger of a specific Athena, or pick a piece at random and try to place it somewhere on the Acropolis. The Ancient Greeks were a hoot. I’ve been reading all sorts of little things about their lives and artworks. I have a strong urge to put these interesting tidbits in my paper, but they just don’t apply…so, I’m gonna blog it out.

--During the procession of the Festival of Athena, only the prettiest Athenians were allowed to march in the processional. The processional was supposed to show off the glories of democracy, so naturally only certain people were allowed to march in it. This included a group of old men who were chosen based on their good looks. Apparently, old women weren’t considered aesthetically pleasing enough. I do really enjoy the idea of a casting call for all Athenian fogies. Perhaps they stood in front of a panel, headed by Tyra Banks? Maybe the winners got a rose, or a wild olive branch. The grand high winner, would obviously receive a ceramic of some sort, and 1,000,000 drachmas. 

--This is one of my favorite art historical party anecdotes, which means you’ve probably all heard it before, but I do find it fascinating: Greeks painted everything, and most statues had shiny bronze inlays, like eyelashes or armor that were melted down and lost in later periods. The most common paint color was crimson, garish and bright. The Parthenon would have been painted and may have had purple columns, with yellow and red figures on the roof. All of our ideas about “classic” art and simple beauty are false. The Greeks favored a much more flamboyant style of decoration. This means the White House, and the rest of the US government buildings, really should be colorful. The Purple House, certainly would be a different flavor.

These just don't seem right, do they?

--One event specific to Athenian games, I call chariot hopping. A slave would spur on the horses, driving the chariot on a straightaway as quickly as possible. The athlete, gloriously nude, would leap off the chariot, trying his best not to die. Then, he’d either run to a finish line or attempt to keep up with the chariot and hop back on. Cool sport. Gah!

--The Phyrric dance proves that rhythmic gymnastics has a long lineage. Competitors would don traditional armor and perform a choreographed dance. Oddly, this is a team sport. I tend to think of this as a really manly dance, in a Maori-style, but it was accompanied by a single flute.

--Oddly, the double flute also accompanied the long jump, by tooting when the athlete should start running, jump and land.

--There was also a contest of Manly Excellence. That’s not so hard to understand though. We still have that whenever someone moves. “I’ll take that sofa, singlehandedly. You ladies step aside.” “Ah look, a large box of books. I only wish there were more…”

--One of the most famous contestants to ever clinch a prize was Plato, who won at the Isthmus games as a teenager. Perhaps he just sat very still before the match and focused on ideal strength or an athletic ideal. After he won he probably cried, “I’m closer to understanding the awesome forms and ideals of the heavens. You are an infinite loser.”

--Perhaps the strangest reading I’ve done is on erotic vase painting. Is it just me, or does it seem like crafting a pot, painting it and firing it would require a lot of work and skill to come up with something that’s just going to end up under a teenager’s mattress? Just kidding. I do think it’s funny how many of these vases modern museums own, but can’t display in order to not traumatize school groups. Maybe they should have an adult gallery in the back, with a flashing neon sign and a heavy velvet curtain. ADULT CERAMICS. I won’t post any here, but it’s a swinging google search if you’re interested.

--Don’t think that women didn’t compete in athletics. Spartan women were trained in wrestling and running just like the boys and even competed in a festival dedicated to Hera (Zeus’ main squeeze). You go girls.